U/21 National Cup Season 57

Any U/21 National Cup is beautiful. Youths have matured, the rubbish has been sold and the good ones are really refining their technique. Some may have even started pushing out the first team regulars. At least 11 of them across the globe are the national players for our beautiful nation, making us proud. And the National Cup is a celebration of that, so we put them on the bench in favour of cheap Chinese imports because lets be fair… we just want to win!

Group Stage

Rounds 1-4

There is something about seeing Rangers – Real Madrid in an U/xx cup that just makes me tingle in my nether regions. With dominating clean sheets against Gunyah, The Smoking Tree and “youth experts” F.C. Ailsa, followed by a 12-1 away demolition against Green Sheep, they sat atop the leader board like a fat cat eyeing of its prey. Shrewsbury Biscuits enjoyed a bye in round 2, sandwiched between 5-0 deficits to F.C. Ailsa and the Bondi Icebergs, before miraculously clinging to their first point of the cup against Hop Skip Jump courtesy of a linesman who was promptly advised to go to Specsavers by Hop Skip Jump’s manager. That draw was the first sign of the mediocrity to come from Hop Skip Jump, with an initial walkover loss against Green Sheep followed by a tight 3-2 finish over the Icebergs evidence that maybe this was their year. Alas, it wasn’t to be. Green Sheep, built upon their “win” against Hop Skip Jump with another walkover against Gunyah, but sold their soul against Amputees FC and Rangers – Real Madrid.

Rounds 5-9

Having solidified first place with clinical wins in the first four rounds, adding a 4-0 execution of the Icebergs in round five, the bye week proved to be Rangers undoing, going down 2-1 at home to the lowly Biscuits. Were the front-runners going to falter? That’s what Hop Skip Jump and Amputees FC hoped for, until they were both opened up for a solid five goals (alas, not walkovers). Awakening from their slumber, the Biscuits played some excellent football against the absent Gunyahnans (plural form) before their win at Rangers, and continued on at home to The Smoking Tree before hitting the halfway point of the competition with a draw against the Green Sheep and thereafter not giving two-tosses. That loss against the Biscuits was the only black mark on what had been a nice purple patch for The Smoking Tree, with commanding wins at home to Green Sheep and Hop Skip Jump, and even going to Bondi for a 4-3 last minute win against the Icebergs. That loss, along with losses against Rangers, and F.C. Ailsa, meant that the commanding wins in the opening rounds were long forgotten as the Icebergs hit an icy patch, losing three of their next four games before carving up Green Sheep for a nice roast lamb afternoon meal. Amputees FC ruined the Biscuits good patch of form with a tidy 2-1 home win before opening the gates and their defence for Hop Skip Jump and F.C. Ailsa to take residence.

Rounds 10-14

Gunyah’s cup finally started in round 10, having fielded improper squads for the first 9 rounds. Needless to say after losing 9-1 to Rangers – Real Madrid I think it should have done so again. After a loss to The Smoking Tree, Green Sheep became the first victim of the famous Gunyah attack, losing 3-0 at home, before claiming a surprise goal in a 3-1 loss to the Icebergs. That win for the Icebergs, the fourth in succession, had them eyeing off Rangers – Real Madrid at the top of the table in Round 14, making their subsequent match a much hyped contest. Unfortunately “contest” is a bad word to describe a 4-0 loss. Going into the game against the Icebergs, Hop Skip Jump – proud of a 4-1 win at Green Sheep – made the Icebergs work hard for their five goal haul, going down 5-0 despite putting out a valid squad. The consistent effort put in by the manager against the odds was rewarded with a walkover against the Biscuits, who were beginning to concentrate on the A-League, but all the good work came undone in an unlucky loss 1-0 to F.C. Ailsa who, after a varied start had started to come good after the standard loss to Rangers – Real Madrid, were chipping away at the points tally to entrench themselves in midtable.

Rounds 15-18

Green Sheep, having done very little all campaign except being goal fodder for the rest of the league, decided to suddenly impact the title race. Having seen Green Sheep lost 5-0 to F.C. Ailsa the previous round, the Icebergs were expecting a cakewalk, but Green Sheep had paid of the referee to secure them a 1-1 draw against the title favourites. A subsequent bye and 6-1 loss to the Biscuits meant that Green Sheep exited with their fleece shaved and their fluffy tail now stuck in between their legs, but that draw condemned the Icebergs to second place. Writing this, I actually feel for Gunyah. The little battlers from div2 fighting against the big guns from the A-League and div1… if only they had shown up to the first 9 weeks of play. Oh, what, Rangers – Real Madrid are div2 as well? Ouch. Tight loses against the Biscuits, Hop Skip Jump and the Amputee’s (and a heavy loss at the hands of F.C. Ailsa, but lets not mention that) meant that even though they finished in last place, they maintained the respect of their peers and we look forward to seeing them back in action next season. Finishing off the campaign with a series of 3-0 loses, The Smoking Tree had the last laugh against the Icebergs, firmly cementing their place as the Iceberg’s bogey team with a 4-4 draw to all-but rule out the possibility of the Icebergs claiming first in the group. Having run one of the most underwhelming campaigns out there, Amputees FC solidified sixth place in the group stage with tight wins against Hop Skip Jump, F.C. Ailsa, and Gunyah, before helping to improve Rangers – Real Madrid’s goal difference.

Group Results

Team M W D L + – = P 1 Rangers – Real Madrid 16 15 0 1 90 8 82 45 2 BONDI ICEBERGS 16 10 2 4 54 23 31 32 3 The Smoking Tree 16 9 1 6 41 33 8 28 4 F.C.Ailsa 16 9 0 7 48 27 21 27 5 Hop Skip Jump 16 8 1 7 35 34 1 25 6 Amputees FC 16 8 0 8 24 43 -19 24 7 Shrewsbury Biscuits FC 16 6 2 8 24 37 -13 20 8 green sheep 16 2 2 12 20 69 -49 8 9 Gunyah 16 1 0 15 5 67 -62 3

The Final

And so it came to be. The match, already booked with a few rounds to play, due to a very poor run-in by the chasing teams, saw the most dominant team pitched against the most erratic team. Rangers – Real Madrid had destroyed everyone in their path, with the loss to the Biscuits a very rare mark against their name. The Iceberg’s had seen scores in matches fluctuate and vary greatly, with losses when they weren’t expected and massive wins in games that were expected to be tight. However, the key results to note was that the Rangers had won both previous encounters. Was this to be another whitewash?

In short, yes. Most were surprised it took until the 32^nd minute for the Rangers to open the scoring, but it was more down to impressive keeping by the Iceberg’s Art Burmeister than anything else. However, when the wall was breached it was like the Greeks invading Troy; another goal followed 3 minutes later and Burmeister was peppered the entire match as Rangers – Real Madrid’s main man Odest Fedetskyi was let loose. The Iceberg’s defence however had tightened up again, with the game going into half time 2-0 to the Rangers. A cautious start to the second half saw nothing given by either team, and even a substitution halfway through the second half had little effect. A late change in tactics by the Icebergs, which saw them all surge forward looking for goals however was their undoing, as the Rangers, waiting patiently and like they had done all competition, pounced when the time was ripe. Two more goals in quick succession in the last 10 minutes secured a 4-0 victory and saw an improvement on their 4^th place finish from the same cup in season 56.

Top Scorers

	Player	Team	GP	G	YC	RC
1	Orest Fedetskyi	RM	17	43	1	0
2	Kelvin Baptiste	TST	16	22	1	0
3	Andy Kepert	AIA	15	18	3	0
4	Dane Clack	BIG	13	15	0	0
5	Berkeley Mcgrath	CAS	14	15	1	0
6	Boyd Worrall	QLD	16	10	0	0
7	Lowrey Rishton	RM	17	10	0	0
8	Bent Clinton	AIA	8	10	0	0
9	Lowrey Lingwoodock	YUM	11	9	0	0
10	Growling Muff	AFC	8	8	0	0
11	Arneil Brennan	BIG	16	8	2	0
12	Cornelius Kiel	QLD	16	7	1	0
13	Jackson Lord	AFC	6	7	0	0
14	Patrick Schultz	BIG	9	6	0	0
15	Carleton Kenack	HAM	16	5	1	0
16	Bath Grigson	TST	15	5	0	0
17	Ike Williams	GUH	8	5	0	0
18	Onur Abuska	RM	3	5	0	0
19	Paul Isaac	QLD	16	5	2	0
20	Arthur Goring	BIG	16	4	2	0

Written by the coconut bandit

U/18 National Cup Season 57

22 testosterone filled boys running around on a field, fresh talent and raw energy in abundance. Their futures are bright, carrying the hopes of a nation, except for those burdened by the expectations of their obese and overly competitive fathers who hopefully won’t crash and burn. Welcome to the U/18 National Cup of Australia, for Season 57. Grab your Chiko rolls, a packet of salt and vinegar Smiths chips, and that last bottle of Coca-Cola that was only put in the canteen fridge five minutes ago because nobody likes that cherry Coca-Cola rubbish. This is going to be a party.

Group Stages

Group 1

	Team	M	W	D	L	+	–	=	P
1	F.C.Ailsa	12	12	0	0	66	5	61	36
2	Manly United	12	8	0	4	31	18	13	24
3	Narraweena Azzurri	12	6	1	5	25	22	3	18
4	Ghinnighi	12	5	2	5	22	23	-1	17
5	Perthians	12	4	1	7	21	27	-6	13
6	Joachim Wiking	12	4	1	7	15	30	-15	13
7	Mustard Tigers	12	0	1	11	0	55	-55	0

Australia’s internationally top ranked team were quick to demonstrate why they will be maintaining that status for some seasons to come: F.C. Ailsa’s perfect winning run was founded on a great defence and a formidable attack. Manly United showcased a balanced team with a view to long-term success, which may lead to Nav finally making a call in regards to his “am I going, am I not” debate. The even spread of his squad’s junior’s age-wise may lead to future endeavours further in this cup, but along with the painfully-named Ghinnighi (now Warnburn F.C.) it was a case of too little, too late as the top two ran away in the final games. Perthians and Joachim Wiking will hopefully stick around as their youths develop. We send our condolences to Mustard Tigers, as well as a copy of what the age-requirements are for fielding a valid squad in the U18’s.

Group 2

	Team	M	W	D	L	+	–	=	P
1	Rangers – Real Madrid	12	11	1	0	43	10	33	34
2	SYDclub	12	6	2	4	24	22	2	20
3	Abbotsford FC	12	5	2	5	24	23	1	17
4	Glasston	12	5	2	5	15	20	-5	17
5	green sheep	12	4	1	7	18	21	-3	13
6	Telita	12	2	4	6	11	18	-7	10
7	Shrewsbury Biscuits FC	12	1	4	7	11	32	-21	7

It is good that they are cruising to an A-League title this season as the U/18’s probably won’t appear on Shrewsbury Biscuits’ highlights reel for this season. A poor start was succeeded by a patchy trot of form whereby they adapted a Jose Mourinho-like tactic of parking the bus. Unfortunately they forgot to score before hand. They almost had a say in upsetting the final standings, with SYDclub having to work for their money against the Biscuits, but eventually securing the win and a place alongside the undefeated Rangers – Real Madrid, who regularly made the final score look like a walkover. Abbotsford FC and Glasston had chances to take second, and the oddly named Green Sheep were the proverbial black sheep of the group.

Group 3

	Team	M	W	D	L	+	–	=	P
1	BONDI ICEBERGS	12	12	0	0	59	7	52	36
2	Crimson Eagles FC	12	8	1	3	48	19	29	25
3	City Water Motel	12	7	0	5	36	19	17	21
4	AMICI	12	5	1	6	15	39	-24	16
5	Red Devils United	12	4	3	5	18	25	-7	15
6	HASSELHOFF BABES	12	2	2	8	16	29	-13	8
7	Polar Express FC	12	0	1	11	6	60	-54	1

Bondi Icebergs continued the undefeated trend of group leaders, but left their arctic colleagues Polar Express FC at the North Pole on its journey to Stadium Australia for the quarter finals of the U18 National Cup of Australia. Some tight losses and some extraordinary blowouts saw the Polar Express train barely get out of the station. A tight battle for second was played out between Crimson Eagles FC and City Water Motel, secured with a few games to spare by the Eagles. AMICI leapfrogged Red Devils United in the final round of the season to prove that it doesn’t matter how many you concede, its all about how many points you can get. Red Devils United, playing with a philosophy similar to a certain Louis Van Gaal, were satisfied with fifth place. We hope they can make amends next year.

Group 4

	Team	M	W	D	L	+	–	=	P
1	The Smoking Tree	12	11	0	1	60	10	50	33
2	Hop Skip Jump	12	9	0	3	39	10	29	27
3	Skoolage United	12	8	0	4	35	24	11	24
4	Amputees FC	12	7	1	4	31	16	15	22
5	Relaxmore Deux FC	12	3	2	7	13	38	-25	11
6	Gunyah	12	1	1	10	8	41	-33	4
7	Dewrang Lions	12	1	0	11	4	51	-47	3

It would have been beautiful to see the leaders of each group remain undefeated. The Smoking Tree would not cooperate however, losing just one game on the way to topping what would be considered the most competitive group of the competition. Hop Skip Jump could have lost by 15-nil to Gunyah and still progressed in the final game, but whilst conceding only ten goals in all competitions and Gunyah scoring only eight… they just scrapped through with a 3-0 win to condemn Skoolage United to spending another season in the classroom getting skooled. Amputees FC ran a tight race but corked a leg on the final lap and fell away.

Quarter Finals

Our first quarter-final between SYDclub and F.C. Ailsa was a spicy affair. An early goal to F.C. Ailsa’s Matthew Smoothey was subsequently followed by a nine-minute span which saw two yellow cards and a second yellow to one player issued, reducing SYDclub to 10 men. Smoothey continued his fine run of form with a second goal after 23 minutes and completed his hat trick after the break, before a F.C. Ailsa defender was substituted after a head-high tackle by Bern Crane who was lucky to only receive a yellow card. Final score: SYDclub 0-4 F.C. Ailsa.

Manly United hosted Crimson Eagles FC in one of the more hotly anticipated matches of the quarter final stage. An even game through the first half, exchanging goals in quick succession saw the Eagles go into the half time break 2-1 up. Manly United started the second half like they had the first – brightly – but soon found themselves starring into the proverbial abyss after Murdock Brennand was issued a straight red card and Larry Murphy scored two minutes later. Five further goals were added between the two teams over the next 30 minutes as Brice Benton completed his hat trick and just remembered to not take his shirt off. Final score: Manly United 2-7 Crimson Eagles FC.

Rangers – Real Madrid hopped over to Hop Skip Jump for a 1pm kick off. By 1:30pm they were 3-0 up and cruising to the semi finals. It was at that point that Hop Skip Jump discovered that they were only playing with 8 players and the final three showed up with massive hangovers from a buck’s party the night before. The crowd went ballistic with happiness and inspired Hop Skip Jump to a 4-3 upset victory… Oh wait, wrong game. Hop Skip Jump literally did nothing all game until defensive midfielder Kirby Garing got a yellow card at 87 minutes. Final score: Hop Skip Jump 0-4 Rangers – Real Madrid.

Bondi Icebergs hosted The Smoking Tree in the final quarter final match to determine who would face the dreaded Rangers – Real Madrid in the semi finals. What was determined was that these two teams were evenly matched in a thrilling and nail biting game that left feet quivering in boots on a hot afternoon in Bondi. An early goal to the Icebergs meant they went into half-time 1-nil up, before two quickfire goals from Kenneth “K-Dawg” Williams and Abraham “Do You Even Lift” Brady saw the Tree-dwellers take a 2-1 lead. Coogee-native Bath “Soap” Wakefield had other ideas, pulling a goal back for the Icebergs soon after, and after multiple penalty shouts were denied and a dodgy offside given against the Icebergs, 90 minutes was up. Extra time saw a tense affair develop, with The Smoking Tree goalkeeper Biggs Marsland forgetting to put his gloves on when he came on for the second half of extra time. After crucial save after crucial save it made the difference, as in the 11^th minute of injury time in the second half of extra time – 131 minutes after we started – Nathaniel “Show Me The Money” Renshaw found the back of the net with an overhead scissor kick to steal the win. Final score: Bondi Icebergs 3-2 The Smoking Tree.

Semi Finals

It’s not very often you see a game rougher than a Sydney United vs Marconi Stallions game. But that’s what Rangers – Real Madrid and Bondi Icebergs delivered. A sneaky Zlatan Ibrahimovic-esque goal by Murphy Seistrup after just three minutes put the icebergs ahead against the previously undefeated Rangers – Real Madrid, who had never even been down a goal in the competition to date. Could the young ones rally? Would they summon their inner Spaniard and pull it back or become the Scotsman that forgot to pay his bills and got declared bankrupt? The answer? They went from the civilised tiki-taka we had come to expect and declared total war, becoming that bully from the playground who used to ruin everyone’s handball games by kicking your ball away. Three yellow cards were issued to the Rangers – Real Madrid players in 13 minutes, with Darian “Nigel de Jong” Powell performing a fly kick to the midriff of Iceberg player Arty Atterton. Powell thought he had got the ball, but the closest spherical object to his foot was Atterton’s skull. Lucky to escape with just a yellow, he infuriated the Iceberg’s manager 12 minutes later when, still on the pitch, he scored a cracking header into the top left hand corner. Eight minutes later he was in for an early shower after this time connecting with Atterton’s head with his boot, for a second yellow card. Not happy with the 1-1 scoreline, Cain Nurthen and Brent Lamb came on for Rangers – Real Madrid at half time. Soon after, Bath Wakefield was in the Iceberg shower room after he received his second yellow, and as he was washing his hair he heard the cheers of the Rangers – Real Madrid faithful as Cain Nurthen buried a beautiful cross from Brent Lamb into the back of the net. A superb substitution! Battle “Battle” Prinsep joined Wakefield in the showers after his second yellow hard for trying to start a brawl with Lamb. Deep into injury time, Benson Rizzardo scored a corker of a goal to seal the win. Final score: Rangers – Real Madrid 3-1 Bondi Icebergs.

Solemn in the news that if they managed to beat F.C. Ailsa they would be facing another undefeated team in the final, Crimson Eagles FC wearily ran out onto the pitch for the second semi final. A scrappy and highly uninteresting game unfolded. F.C. Ailsa continued their winning streak, but only the yellow card count. Final score Crimson Eagles 2-1 F.C. Ailsa.

3^rd Place Playoff

Who would have thought it; our two 12-from-twelve teams… in the third place playoff. Two managers, with egos larger than the size of Jupiter… fighting it out for a bronze medal. I must say I have no time for this third placed rubbish. It’s so American. Urgh. Anyway, the game. The most impressive thing about this game, and indeed its been a reflection of the entire tournament, is that this has been as much about developing managers as it has been developing players. Shrewd decisions have left good teams by the wayside. And indeed, that’s what happened here. Out of the gates, jumping around like a vegetarian in a butcher’s coolroom, was F.C. Ailsa. Determined to salvage something from the campaign, they fought themselves to a 2-0 lead, with goals in the 42^nd minute and the 2^nd minute of first half injury time. A change in tactics though at 60 minutes saw the Icebergs rebound, and like the iceberg that ruined the titanic, sliced through the heart of the F.C. Ailsa defence in the 60^th and 70^th minutes, before, in the 4^th minute of injury time… they scored. Great, you came third. Woopty-doo.

The Final

It is only right, in my mind, that any team that deserves to play in the final of a cup or tournament must show both tenacity and good fortune in reaching the final. And so it is, that our two finalists are the team that have kicked and fought – in the case of Rangers – Real Madrid, literally kicked – to get here. The scene is set: 11,100 fans munching on those delicious Chiko rolls, which believe it or not are probably healthier than those $1 hot dogs from Ikea, slobbering tomato sauce on their meat pies… hmmm. Oh, we are there for the sport? Oops. 22 minutes in, penalty! Drew “Robben” Tupman dives in the box, gets a penalty, and gets Andre “David” Hicks sent off! More early showers! However, there is more controversy! After trying to do a Pogba slow-run-up penalty, Cain Nurthen slips and falls in his run-up, John Terry in Moscow style, and skews his penalty show against the bar and it deflects towards the goalkeeper who makes a magnificent save, deflecting the ball outwards. It falls straight in the path of Nurthen who, on the ground, spins and kicks the ball into the open goal! 1-0 to Rangers – Real Madrid. The lead doesn’t last long however, as Brice Benton scores minutes later to tie the game. The second half is a stalemate, and the game is secured by Larry Murphy of Crimson Eagles to deliver dear old Senile his third U18 National Cup of Australia in a row.

Top Scorers

	Player	Team	GP	G	YC	RC
1	Andy Kepert	AIA	15	42	1	0
2	Dale Blattman	EAGL	15	34	0	0
3	Murphy Seistrup	BIG	15	30	0	0
4	Darian Powell	RM	14	25	3	0
5	Olliver Clubley	TST	7	18	0	0
6	Bath Wakefield	BIG	14	17	2	0
7	Nathaniel Renshaw	BIG	15	17	0	0
8	Kenneth Williams	TST	6	16	0	0
9	Arthur Convine	SKLD	11	14	1	0
10	Raleigh Prinsep	CITY	4	14	0	0
11	Albert Perandis	QLD	12	13	3	0
12	Cain Nurthen	RM	8	12	0	0
13	Ryan Muggleton	SKLD	11	11	2	0
14	Kirby Garing	QLD	13	10	1	0
15	Jackson Lord	AFC	7	10	1	0
16	Nathaniel Rosenbloom	HOF	10	10	5	0
17	Jonty Wayland	CITY	12	10	0	0
18	Rich Kesi	EGLS	13	10	1	0
19	Boyce Devine	AZZ	12	9	1	0
20	Dale Malacarne	ABD	6	9	2	0

Written by the coconut bandit